I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
