I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
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Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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