"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
