mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
