Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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