There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
