The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
