You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
