Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
