as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
