just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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