Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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