We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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