so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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