I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
