I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
