Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
