so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
