Tell her she can't have a vagina
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
