He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
