It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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