I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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