I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
