i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
