i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Threesome in a minivan. New low
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
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