hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
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