You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Randomize
