she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
my being single is dangerous.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
