Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
There's always time for handjobs
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
