you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
