3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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