Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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