It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
