Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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