I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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