Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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