Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
