I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
40s are totally the cure
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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