I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
