I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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