the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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