I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
