Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
