Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
