I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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