She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It's blow job season.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
