Swine flu is the new snow day.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
