is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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