I just pynch a tree in the face
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
