Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
