I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
