Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
