I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
