'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
