ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
