I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
It's Friday. Sex?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
