So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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